Hello. Good for you. You have found THE Secret Page. Nosy, aren't you? Well, here I put secret stuff his brother does not want others to see. This is your reward for exploring this site thoroughly. Incidentally, if you got here by the search engine, it is not a mistake on my part.

 

I have a father, a mother and a brother. That makes four of us. We are all Devout Christians and visit the church often, especially me. We are proud members of the Roman Catholic Church in Singapore, which is why we have a figure of Christ above the door, to bless all who enter. I went to church very often, from three to five times a week. Now, with my busy schedule which includes killing crabs to earn my keep, reading up on "cheem" books at the library and skulking around school, looking for people to irritate, I am sadly unable to go to church as often as before. Ostensibly, I was an altar boy and attended mass and catechism. People who know me well know that this was only partially true. Who knows what happened there but me? Well, one of the major reasons was that I love smelling the incense. One time, I hit myself in the face with the hot censer which holds the incense while swinging it around. Now, with my move to a church closer to my residence, I have lost my privileged position as an Altar Boy.

My family used to live in a 3 room government subsidised HDB flat in Commonwealth. It was rather small but quite nice. It was actually a front for the evil organisation I headed after school, which has yet to be named and which aims to destroy all game manuals on earth and force chicken pie down everyone's throat. Our computer had secret records and the hard disks were formatted very often (every few months). We had to blow the place up before we moved, which sent the cockroaches scurrying into my father's car, from which they refuse to emerge. Now, we live in a condominium in a remote part of the island. This is to facilitate the carrying out of my various plans for the world. The atmosphere is conducive to all my devious plans, with the waterfall. Now, I have more space in my house to hold all the computer peripherals I have.

My whole family always wakes up with bad hair. Only a select few have witnessed this. On waking, our hair looks as if we've had sleepless nights on the Support Pillow (which lulled me to sleep quickly but made me wake up with a headache half an hour later), and it takes us a very long time to straighten our hair. Perhaps it is hereditary, the curse of Genius.

I have a synthesiser which is very interesting - it has five large buttons which when pressed, cause the sound of a man shouting "Ho!" to be produced. This is very rare and I entertain visitors with it often, at least when I bother to take it out. I like to irritate people with the "Ho!" sound, in all 5 notes - C sharp, D sharp, F sharp, G sharp and B flat (A sharp).

My brother is very good to me - he introduced me to chicken pies (some say this is actually bad, but I like chicken pies, though they do things to my physique). He also bought me many of my original games, which I finished and then formated to sell. Now, he is rich enough to buy upgrades for our super-computer. He is immensely helpful and assembles computers for his friends (I coerced him into assembling MY Supercomputer). He likes to buy pirated games, unlike me. As I eat too many chicken pies nowadays, I can't afford to buy original software all the time and so only buy exceptional games original. In fact, nowadays, I don't even buy many games nowadays. Sometimes he scolds me, but forgets by the next day. Once, when I was preparing for a clas party, he accosted me, spraying perfume into my face and gelling my erstwhile birds' nest, with a, "Come come, in case zha bor come after you". No one recognised me.

At first, my brother listened to all the music on the radio. Then, he entered Phase 2, buying music CDs. He had a whole rack of CDs in our old room. Most of them are old CDs, from the late 80s and early 90s. A few are classical, some jazz, some rock and most pop. In the past few years, he entered Phase 3 - MP3s. He has 300+MB of them on the hard drive, divided into Dance, Pop and Chinese. Who knows what Phase 4 holds? Maybe he'll just whack me up. Of course, with our separate rooms, it is now harder for me to keep tabs on his activities and collection. His drafting into the Police as part of the national duress has reft him from his music.

His music tastes have changed greatly. If I am not wrong, when he was very young, he listened to Rock music (which The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine finds abhorrent) Then, his tastes matured. Now, he listens to Pop music (which The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine finds almost as abhorrent). He came from the same primary school as I - Nanyang Primary, but which wrecked our lives forevermore. He was in the polytechnic studying engineering, I think, and has a girlfriend (like most his age). He is now obsessed with training up (maybe to whack me harder). He had a target - 7 March, for training up his muscles. He has met it, by training and by eating muscle fuel (if the runaway crabs eat them... God deliver us). Now he can whack me harder when I finish all the food in the fridge. He, like my whole family, loves junk food. Whereas I like Chicken Pies (and TV Dinners), he likes Fish Fingers AND chocolate flavoured Haagen Dazs Ice Cream. He doesn't like "intelligent" games, as evidenced by the fact that when I came back from buying games, he commented that all the games I bought were intelligent games, evidently with some distaste.

On top of the cupboard in our old home, my brother used to keep his muscle-mass-building pills. These pills came in such exotic flavours as chocolate and fruit punch. The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine commented that if the ants were to eat the pills, they would become giant ants.

Once, in a fit of arrogance, I changed his Start Menu folder to read "Miserable ICQ". He was amused but nearly hit me. Now, I have gotten my just deserts (sic) with my own corruption to the dark side of ICQ which, with my cable modem, lets me be online (rather, invisible, so nobody can see me and I gain a false sense of power) the whole day, so I can download more big files and delete them (one of my cardinal sins).

My mother, a housewife, always cares about me but bothers me when I am exercising my hard disk and irritating my friends, urging me to sleep early so I can bother others in the day when she is out. She changes her hairstyle every hour or so, at least that is what my friends think. I think she secretly sharpened the door mat everyday when it was outside the door, maybe as an April Fools Day joke on her birthday (go figure).

My father has an allergy to butter (he ate too much of it when he was young in salads, iced water, Coke, meringue, popcorn, bread, cereal and other foods). As a consequence, he likes to eat at Denny's, as they accept special orders to cook the food without butter. He likes to sing really horribly - slightly wavering and out of tune (I learned from him), but hearty music from the heart nonetheless. Once, I tried to teach him to sing better but alas this effort failed. He is also addicted to chocolate flavoured Haagen Dazs Ice Cream (like my brother). He used to sell crabs and mangoes. Now, he has diversified his business and sells seafood and mangoes. The mangoes are seasonal, unfortunately, so I can't steal any from the warehouse when they're off-season. He started by learning the ropes: binding crabs, peeling mangoes, fertilising the mango trees and the like. Now, he is in a top managerial position. I steal most of the money to upgrade my computer and buy more games, though. He thinks the crabs have eaten the money, and then goes to butcher a few more. He sells much exotic merchandise like Bird's Nest, Shark's Fin and the like, sampling them while they are in storage. An interesting result he has had so far (as he samples the merchandise while it is in the warehouse) is a cure for his insomnia - it seems a cocktail of Royal Jelly mixed with Sparrow's saliva induces sleepiness, or so he tells us.

He was the one who made me the sarcastic and biting wisenheimer that I am today, introducing me to sarcasm by reading out the fullstops and commas in a sentence as "fullstop" and "comma" respectively when I was in but Primary 2, and in Nanyang Primary to boot. Since then, I was drawn inexorably towards the path of a wiseacre, and when someone, over the phone, says something I disagree with, I press the phone buttons, utter their passwords or clap loudly to distract them. If that fails, I fall back on my trusty tactic of singing loudly or playing excerpts from musical pieces from my enormous collection of MP3s.

One day in 2000, an uncle bought some long2 jing3 tea back from Hong Kong. Everyone in the family drank about 100ml of it before going to sleep, whereupon we all woke up simultaneously at 3am.

My Parents returned from a religious retreat on Mount Kinabalu - a mountain in Sabah, Malaysia. I'm sure they learned many things there. I went in December 1999, and I came back a changed person, no longer tormenting people till they wanted to napalm my house but now only afflicting them until they form plots on my computer.

I have a very loving family, and I am grateful for that. Sadly, it is the only one I have. I do not belong to any internet family, with all the aunties and uncles, brothers and sisters and cousins, as no one wants me. To conceal this fact, I like to scoff at these "families", and when my brother brings his "family" home, I like to comment scornfully on the depravities of the internet, which has brought us this travesty.

 

Special! Things You Never Knew About Nelson Kwei.

Nelson Kwei's parents was from Peking (sic).  Although he is an Anglican, he makes bad Virgin Mary jokes. He got his early education at Xie2 He2 kindergarten. His Primary School was Chong Hock Primary and his Secondary School, Anglican High. He is also an alumni of Temasek Junior College. At the Tertiary level, he studied in NUS, NIE and the Royal Academy of Music. He's a computer science minor in NUS and a maths major. In addition to his vast musical ability, he claims that he can dance "quite well". He has a good memory, being able to remember everyone.

He does self-evaluation all the time. Now, he's doing more avant-garde stuff to stretch himself. His Chinese name is Gui4 Nai3 Shun4, and he types horribly (many typos).

He used to live at 26 Taman Siglap. Now, he lives at Blk 223 Simei Street 4 #09-10 - opposite the choir secretary 1998/1999 for the RI choir. He is moving to a condominium soon. His phone and fax numbers are in the phone book. Siglap is his haunt, and a favourite rehearsal place is Siglap South Community Centre. While there, his uniform is a T-Shirt and Shorts.

He has been in business since 1987 and earns $1000/month from each Secondary School and so is ridiculously rich (He owns two pieces of private property), though why he doesn't upgrade to a private house is beyond anyone's comprehension. In spite of that, he claims that he only earns twice as much as he did when he was a teacher. He maintains that he doesn't even have 1/4 million, but no one believes him. He alleges that he doesn't enetrtain any woman whose income is below 75% of his, and so will never get married. There is hope, though. "There are many lovely old, rich and dying ladies" . Then again, he dislikes the idea of marriage as it makes him "sick". He thinks that all those who comment about his 'single' status are kaypoh. Either that or they are his unenlighten (sic) relatives.

Though he has no children, he has 3 brothers and altogether 5 nieces & nephews. Incidentally, his Catholic mother was Lee Kuan Yew's chinese tutor. On his parents' decision, his surname was made that of his mother's and not his father's. If not, he'd be Nelson Chen.

Though he claims that he only works with choirs that he likes, he has 9 paying choirs (VJC, TPJC, AJC, RI, VS, CHS, CSS, DHS, TKSS) and 2 for which he does what he calls "communtiy service" , "volunteer work out of my kindness and social responsibility" (Victoria Chorale and Amadeus Choral Society ). He alleges that he only shouts at choirs that he likes. Due to his busy schedule, he plans to drop more choirs, not that it will affect his income very significantly.

He is 37, with a speculated DOB being Sept 24 1963, and weighs ~140kg. Even with his considerable girth, he manages to find good quality T-Shirts. He has tried slimming tapes at least twice before - with one focusing on Aromatherapy slimming, but they don't work. The Hawaii Trip finally got 7kg off him - all the shopping for food, you see. Xenical, a diet pill, has gotten 8KG off him so far. He is considering liposuction.

Chicken Rice is Nelson's favourite food, though he hates pizza. He also likes laksa and had a craving for Roast Duck rice around late January 2000. He also likes rou4 gan (bak gua aka BBQ sweet pork) He says Tim looks like a butcher, in response to Timothy's comment that Nelson looked like a fisherman. He sounds like Pooh Bear when he laughs and he agrees, in fact he thinks he looks like Pooh Bear. Doesn't he look like a happy bear? They gave him one during his NTU CAC concert at CHIJMES. At the 1999 NYGH concert, he got orchids. For some reason, he thinks that he is very friendly.

He loses money whenever he plays mahjong, but he plays to win and so he has stopped playing. He has admitted that he is perverted. Nelson claims that there is no pet form of "Nelson" but you can just call him Nellie.

In 1999, he became good friends with Jennifer Tham. "Laona" Zechariah Goh Toh Chai seems to be his protege.

The black jacket which he always wears to concerts, competitions and performances is made of Kashmir wool, and cost him only $100 as he got it in Thailand! He changes cars every 3 years.

He IS a Singapore Citizen and for his National Service, he was in the Navy, in the administrative department, working with computers.

His hobbies include reading (especially fantasy) and gossip. He also likes Archie comics! (he was seen reading them on the plane). He loves cats and his favourite cartoon character is Snoopy. Cleaning his room is the worst Chinese New Year programme in his entire life for him. When spelling Lao Zha Bor (Old Woman), he uses the spelling Lao Char Boar.

According to him, he is a better arranger than composer. He likes the Renaissance Masters in the area of music. He feels that Elgar is in the realm of MASTER especially in choral work. (sic sic sic) He likes bright and supported sounds.

He use (sic) to win National prizes for essay writing as well as poetry. In Chinese of course.

He supported James Soong for the 2000 Taiwan Elections.

 

Here is a limerick about me:

There once was a fool named Tim
Who thought everybody should obey his whim
He ate chicken pie all day
But didn't get his way
And everyone

Help me complete the limerick!

 

A Poem

Here is a poem that my friend Gabriel composed for me in 1991, during the Gulf War, when we were 8.

Timothy the Timotair
No more hair
Kissing Saddam Hussein
On the chair

 

Explanation of GREAT

As stated above, I am Tim the Great (Greedy Ruthless Evil Arrogant Treacherous). Why am I called this?

Greedy : I eat more chicken pies than are good for me. I overcharge for my meals. I buy too many games. I ate too much Toblerone and became sick. I push my limits too far and get hit by [girls'] files. Once, I ate 2 meals in succession at the school canteen. I used to order Dominos Pizza every Tuesday for home delivery because of the buy 1 pizza get 1 pizza free offer. Unfortunately, they've stopped operations in Singapore :(

Ruthless: I stole the money to treat my father's butter allergy to help finance my computer. I took down my friend's page. I stop at nothing to...

Evil: I like mocking my friends and confusing them. I torment my friends. I pull the crab claws out one by one. I think of bringing durians onto buses so the driver will drive faster. Even the Phone attacks me on occasion. During a period of time, for my phone number in my ICQ info, I put the number of The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine. I rename people on my ICQ list. I got attached but didn't tell my second best friend till many months had passed.

Arrogant: I boast all the time. I set up this web page to promote MYSELF. I am the self-proclaimed King of Games. I used to refer to projects as being done by "Timothy and His Friends". I strung scales together and called it a 'tune'. I have the cheek to call Rachmaninoff "Rach". I refused to get ICQ, then installed it and wrote a "disclaimer" in my defence.

Treacherous: I trick people and break trivial agreements.

 

Bonus! Here's what I got when I ran the following phrase through a translator.

I am Tim the Great (Greedy Ruthless Evil Arrogant Treacherous).

In German:
Ich bin Tim das große (gieriges Ruthless schlechtes arrogantes
gefährliches).

From the German sentence above to English
I am Tim the large (greedy Ruthless bad arrogant dangerous).

French :
Je suis Tim le grand (déloyal arrogant mauvais impitoyable
avide).

From the French sentence above to English !
I am Tim the large one (unfair arrogant bad pitiless avid).

 

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