My house is very special. That is why I have a page specially for it.
Once, The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine pressed the "Test" button on my circuit breaker box, placing upon me the chore of resetting all 10 of my alarm clocks. He paid dearly for his transgression.
A Meal at My House
I am proud to declare myself a gourmet. My family and I are great fans of well-cooked food, and we often go to expensive places to savour the selection they offer. At our house, we seek to bring this fine tradition of good food from halcyon days to the comfort (and opulence) of our home, not to mention our corpulent presence. As you can see from the menu below, we have succeeded beyond our wildest measure.
Our kitchen offers many superb and incomparable home cooked meals for you, all warmed up in our microwave oven. It offers great value and variety. Furthermore, you can say that YOU have had the privilege of dining with Tim the Great (at least, when We are not running around the neighbourhood, doing unspeakable acts)!
Typical 7 course (whoa!) meal (S$29.90++++ inclusive of a free picture with US, a demonstration of my computer's capabilities and a free souvenir (with choice of chicken pie crumbs, crab shell or mango peelings), extra charge of S$500++ for me to watch you warm the meal )
Fill you up dishes
Cold Leftover Potatoes OR Onion Loaf with either too much or too little salt with optional rancid Barbeque sauce OR Assorted Expired Biscuits OR leftovers from the previous day (while stocks last) OR Broken Potato Chips OR slices of Yunnan Ham OR Over-smoked Salmon OR frozen (or half defrosted) seafood OR half-eaten Violet Crumble OR a sliver of Toblerone.Appetiser
Fish Fingers with lemon juice / tartar / BBQ / mayonnaise OR Rotten crabs (Steamed, boiled, raw or ALIVE!) OR Rare crabs dressed with semi-sweet mango juice OR a raw egg (no sunny side up for me - I think it threatening) OR a sliver of Honey-roast chicken. In addition to any of these, you will also get as much boiled rice as you want.Soup
Choice of almost-expired Campbell's soup OR Crab juice with mango OR Crab juice OR Sprite concoction OR water with algae floating in it OR the finest essence of vitamin pills, in a solution of swimming pool waterSomething to clear the palate
Homemade mango / Sprite sherbet OR soya sauce with pepper OR ice cubes OR cloyingly sweet sweets OR Milo drink mixed with saliva and Yakult (inspiration from Nanyang days)Main Course
Deluxe Sunshine Brand Chicken Pie with plenty of pepper OR Burnt grilled crab with rotten mango pieces OR black burnt peanuts OR a "month" old slice of Domino's Pizza with the ingredients eaten up by me, leaving a crust with slivers of cheese (NB: this has been left over since Domino's Pizza closed down in ~June 2000)Dessert
Over ripe / under ripe mangoes OR Melted chocolate flavoured Haagen Dazs Ice Cream OR Butter, cold or melted OR cranberry jelly OR finest crushed ice from my fridge, after it has fallen to the floor, picking up exquisite flavour OR a few slivers of Toblerone OR the remnants of Dark Chocolate from the previous day's orgy of feasting (I don't like peanuts in chocolate. I used to like white chocolate, but now prefer it dark.)Drink
Flat Sprite ( 1/2 frozen / ice cold / cool / lukewarm / hot) OR Sour mango juice OR hot water OR crab's unmentionables OR "Yakult" (in memory of the time in Nanyang Primary School when I made The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine some 'Yakult' which had all manner of yucky substances in it and which's exact recipe remains a secret)
To hold all the food I and the rest of my family eat, I have a special fridge. It is special in many ways. For one, it is giantic. It is a bit taller than me and twice as fat... uh, wide, which is remarkable considering my girth.
The freezer compartment is as big as the fridge compartment. This is because we survive on frozen as well as fresh food. I often eat junk food for dinner (see A Meal At My House). The packets of food all have wonderful names, but when they are cooked, they almost-always look disgusting, like me. There are also many tubs of Haagen Dazs ice cream in the coldest part of the freezer. Usually they are chocolate, but sometimes, other flavours can be found.
My fridge is special. There is a depression where you can get cold water and even ICE! Furthermore, the ice can come crushed OR in cubes. Aren't I lucky? I can enjoy ice cold water while hatching my latest diabolical scheme. Sadly, this model seems to be spoiled - due to all the dirt in the water system caused by the sewage plant next door. It can't dispense water / ice when the door is open.
Paying homage to me (My House)
Woe betide you if you are thinking of calling me to fix a date and time when you may come.
I am never available (on the phone) as I am:
Always tired / not free / sleeping / at school / out / out with HER / doing work /doing Maths(TM) / talking to HER / talking to the other HER / stoning and so don't feel like talking / talking to my classmates / my Father is calling the Crab Catcher / faxed orders for mangoes are being received / my brother is doing unspecified things with or on the phone
Of course, this means that it is unlikely that you will catch me at a time when I am free if you do come down, anyway, but do try. If I am not around, I will just instruct the Security Guards to hurl you over the waterfall to a watery doom on the stakes below.
You can't go wrong (or get lost) when paying homage to me. My old house was unmistakable as:
If / when you did find my house, you would have to perform a ritual or I wouldn't let you in.
1. Step on my doormat barefooted (no socks) to purify yourself and show
your subservience to me.
2. Take off your socks and shoes, leave them outside and then proceed straight to my toilet to wash your feet in the unholy water
3. Dry them on the sacred floorcloth so you will not wet my beautiful marble floor.
4. Give me your homage presents.
Similarly, when you exited my house, you must also have followed a ritual or I wouldn't let you out and you'd be in there for all eternity as an undead slave to my depraved indulgences, killing crabs and skinning mangoes. Hahahahaha!!!
1. Put all things of mine back.
2. Give me a parting gift.
3. Step on my doormat barefooted (no socks) to purify yourself and show your subservience to me.
4. Put on your socks and shoes outside so you don't defile my house with your presence.
Now, I have a new house. It is much bigger. Here are some ways you can identify it. Erstwhile vassals who have decided to redeem themselves may notice that my new house does have some things in common with the old one, making it an indelible feature of the Singaporean landscape.
- There is a figure of Christ (though not on the Cross) above the door
- You can never call through (I still have 2 lines, but only 1 line for voice calls - the 3rd line was cancelled when the cable guy smashed my wall with the jackhammer when installing cable)
- When you finally get me on the phone, you hear many echoes due to my Sound System
- There is the glow of the candle that is always burning, that can be seen from a long way off
- You can smell the heavenly aroma of heavily peppered chicken pie (I only buy the best, from Boulevard Hotel, very expensive), my all time favourite snack, wafting from inside
- You can hear loud sounds, me showing off my Sound Blaster LIVE!, to scare away the birds and the cockroaches
- the door is icy-cold due to my super-cold air-conditioner
- you can see the glow of my parquet floor
- it is the only one on the level with a grille
- you can hear my brother whistling nursery rhymes like: This Old Man
- there is a waterfall where the swimming pool water plummets down 20 storeys to fall on the rocks below
- you can hear screams of agony as intruders unwilling to pay the poll to maintain my shoe rack are hurled over the waterfall by the unfriendly guard, to be impaled on the spikes below
- You can hear 2 phones ringing at the same time
- The crabmobile is parked outside
- There are shock tremors reverberating throughout the district whenever I get an ICQ message
- You can hear the cry of "Tiiiiiiiiiiimm" (or sometimes, "Boy!") coming from my brother when the network connection goes down due to a TBS song being played or my flippant flipping of the power switch (our computers are networked and for him to have Internet access, my computer must be on) or as he discovers what havoc I have wreaked
- You can hear out of tune whistling (my father and/or me)
- You can smell the strawberry scent from my toilet
- You can hear the whirl of my computer fans as they chug rapidly (due to the overclocking). This also means I have difficulty sleeping at night.
In spite of the irrefutable benefits of paying homage to me, I urge all prospective supplicants to beware.
The security at my compound is ridiculous (since they have to guard me). There are 5 people in the guardhouse at any time, and they call the unit to confirm the expected appearance of visitors. Furthermore, they will confiscate your identity cards (This is illegal). If you arrive in a vehicle, they will restrict your access, making you wait by the main gate, even if there is no space.
Even I will not be able to save you if you run afoul of their unclear procedure, unfriendly exteriors, nasty interiors and boredom (leading them to be mean to visitors)
This is my own Kingdom, so I make the laws. You'd think I was living in
a sea of crime.
I have a great computer. My brother customised it for me. Its specs are as follows:
- Twin 2.0GHZ Intel Pentium 4 Processor (400Mhz System Bus with an inbuilt
heat sink with a generous amount of CFC coolant) (not counting the overclocking
to an unspecified speed)
- AVC Sun Flower Cooler so it all doesn't explode
- A custom made gold plated motherboard for great conductivity and best performance, with 11 USB slots for all my peripherals
- 768MB of PC-166 SDRAM, with read-ahead caching (My motherboard has 6 slots for memory cards)
- A Yamaha CRW3200 24 X CD-writing, 10 X CD-Rewriting & 40 X Reading CD-R/RW Drive with the Safeburn Triple Protection System and CD-Mt. Rainier (CD-MRW) packet writing technology
- A Creative Technologies PC-DVD Encore 12X with Dxr3 DVD Drive
- Creative Cambridge Soundworks DTT 3500 5.1 set with 5 speakers, and a rewired subwoofer. Digital DIN and S/PDIF input (so powerful that whenever I get an ICQ message, the "uh oh" causes the house, nay, the estate to collapse)
- A Sound Blaster Audigy Platinum eX (24 bit audio output) for all my games
- A Onkyo SE-U55 USB Digital Audio Processor, for clearer sound
- A Yamaha XG sound card to play my midi files (256 voices)
- Upgraded, custom made PC speaker so DOS games which utilise PC speakers sound much better
- Samsung SyncMaster 240t 24 Inch LCD Monitor (for less glare)
- 1 27 Inch, flat-screen 100Hz refresh rate monitor (for my multi-tasking)
- A Philips 64P8341 64-Inch Projection TV (looted) for watching my bootleg Internet movies
- A Creative Technologies Graphics Card (AGP) with 32MB of RAM
- AGP 4x bus with 128MB SDRAM
- A 3dfx Voodoo 5 AND the Nvidia GeForce3 Ti 500 (in case one spoils)
- 5 Hard Disks
=> Maxtor 80GB, Ultra-DMA/133, 7,200 rpm (SCSI)
=> Quantum 30.2 GB (SCSI)
=> IBM 40GB (SCSI)
=> Generic 100MB (stolen from school) (IDE)
=> Generic 10MB (given as a present in 1992)
- An Iomega Zip2 drive
- An Iomega Jaz drive
- Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer
- A Logitech Deluxe (!) 108 key keyboard (I added 4 keys for my purposes)
- A USR 56K* V.92 External Faxmodem
- A 2400bps modem (found in a scrap heap)
- An ADSL line
- A Cable Modem - Terayon TJ110
- A T3 connection (One asks why I have so many ways to connect to the Internet. Is it because of my sheer arrogance? Or is it because frustrated neighbours keep sabotaging my connection, making backup connections necessary?)
- A TV card (to watch the castrated show)
- A VCR card (to tape the castrated show)
- A mobile digital video camera
- Some $10,000 digital camera
- A flatbed scanner (32million+ colours 1440dpi)
- A Handheld scanner (256 colours)
- A Microsoft Sidewinder Gamepad
- HP Colour Laserjet
Not to mention all the ORIGINAL software I have. It must be worth thousands.
I only use Intel Processors, because they are the best.
How did you get the money for this, you ask. Well, in addition to theft (see below), I also baked and sold chicken pies (though I ate 75% of them). I also coerced my brother into funding it. For an even lower price, I got him to assemble it.
People often ask me, "Oh Great One, what sort of files do you keep on your computer? Enlighten us that we may approach your splendour even in but a small way".