We bid you welcome. We see that you have come to OUR page. We are Tim The GREAT, and we see that you have come to pay homage to US. Our virtue and deeds have made us unsurpassed in Singapore by virtue of our worthiness of respect. Scroll down to find out how you can better serve our interests, as you should. Why should you obey me? Scroll down to find out why, and be enlightened... (NB: The use of the plural here is the Royal Plural, which is used by Royalty and great figures like ourselves. For ease of reading [ain't I thoughtful?], the singular form is used below)
- Nanyang Primary School
- THE Catholic High School
- Catholic High Teachers
- National Junior College
- Music and Me
- Me, the Misogynist
My experiences with Reader's Digest
Pictures of me!
- Tim the GREAT
- The King of Games (KOG)
- Tim the Arrogant
- Tim the Dirty
- Tim the Stupid
- Tim the Meddlesome
- Tim the Patient
- Tim the Selfish
- Tim the Stout
- Tim the Sadist
- The Pedant
- Tim the Generous
On the 16th of August 1983, the world rejoiced ; I arrived, as a blessing and boon to humanity. Since a tender age, I have been playing computer games, and was crowned the King of Games by a friend who was inspired by the name of a pirated games CD series. Then, I realised that I should be a King of more than Games, surpassing even Elvis 'The King' Presley, who died on the day that I was born. The rest is History (And guess who's greater?).
I am presently 19. On August 16th next year, I will be 20. (Remember to send me a present, so that you may be remembered in the New World Order which will come when I reign supreme!). The ones you sent this year and last year were great! Thank you.
I live in Singapore (which I like due to its good food) and am currently serving my National Service, which I maintain is good for it, among other things, lets you learn some rudimentary Malay. Orion Company was graced with my presence all through my 7 week PES C BMT, and right now I am a clerk (though that doesn't stop me from complaining all the time!).
I got my Elementary education at Nanyang Primary School, a primary school which offers high quality Chinese Education to imbibe students with wholesome values, which have made me the evil genius I am today. Of course, I was a top student and beloved where e'er I went. My ego grew and I became arrogant.
I have many fond memories of my primary school days. Being the smartest in the level (measured by such intangibles as aura and haughtiness), my genius went unrewarded by the education system. I used to have a rosary of blue beads around my neck, a habit I later discontinued due to their tendency to irritate my skin. Formative influences include Mr Chiew, who composed 'Ode to Joy' and made everyone perform it on the instrument of choice at Nanyang Primary - the recorder, and who delighted in accelerating balding in students by pulling out hair with a deft turn of the wrist. This might have been a dewious (sic) collaboration with Yunnan Hair Centre, which doe not work, sources having told me that the man seen in the Yunnan Hair Centre advertisements was seen walking around bald, and he'd confessed that he'd been made to wear a wig to pose for the advertisement. In Primary Two, in response to a query from an ignorant soul on how to write a virus, I took out a 5.25' floppy and wrote "Virus" on it. I used to impress the multitudes with my skill at chess, which easily defeated the "formation" of The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine (who later showed me where Jade was, gratifying my computer games indulgence). My cooking skills were also honed when in lower Primary I made The Person on Whose Page I Host Mine some 'Yakult' which had all manner of yucky substances in it and which's exact recipe remains a secret, and I was a partner in a 10 cents extortion syndicate with Gerard/Gerald. When we weren't making 'caltrops' out of staples (and which people still did in Secondary School), we were playing inane games, which have now been corrupted by today's youth. The decadence gives me goosebumps. For example, take the evolution of 'oh-peh-song' (as it was known in my father's time). In my primary school days, it morphed to 'oh-ah-peh-ah-song'. When I was in Secondary School, the primary school kids were playing 'oh-ah-peh-ah-song-ah-peh-ah'. Now, in JC2, as I lie on my bed, I hear the kids downstairs chanting - 'oh-ah-peh-ah-song-ah-peh-ah-roti-prata-char-kway-teow'. At least they didn't add anything to 'scissors-paper-stone'. But I digress.
I brought game manuals to school (from my then-extant and extensive collection of ORIGINAL games, which have since been consigned to the dump [see below]) for classmates and devotees to peruse during recess, breaks and after they had finished their work or tests. (Some mean teachers did not let students who'd finished their class tests early to read, consigning them to minutes of boredom) One of the people who set me on my path of interest in science (even if it were passing, at any rate) was Yong Lin, who threw alcohol into the Bunsen burner to achieve a higher temperature. In my naivety, I thought that the 5 virtues (wu3 yu4) that the school song referred to were English, Chinese, Maths, Science and Social Studies. Actually, they are physical development, mental ability, Ancient Chinese Moral Values, Artistic talent / appeciativeness and "willingness to learn from others".
I was in THE Catholic High School. I was (and am) a genius and took 17 subjects : English, Chinese, Higher Chinese, E Maths, A Maths, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Literature, Geography, History, Computer Science, German as a 3rd Language, Bible Knowledge, Sikh Studies, Art and Music. No one else believed me, so I pretended to take only 8 : English, Chinese, E. Maths, A maths, Physics, Chemistry, Literature and History. How could I handle so many subjects and consistently score so well? (You have guessed by now that I score well. I am Tim The Great, after all) Well, I am a genius. How else would I be able to attract so many people to pay homage to me? Actually, some might suggest that the reason for this was that they wanted to observe my bird nest hair in Secondary Two, but I dismiss such heresy. In attempts to escape derision, I purposely did badly academically in Secondary Two, but to no avail.
Perhaps my favourite and best subjects are/were Chemistry and English. I share a love of Chemistry with my Secondary 4 Chemistry Teacher. During my O Levels, I studied A Level Chemistry, just to piss people off by asking them weird questions. As for English, I was in the 100th percentile in my school and 99th percentile in Singapore for an International Competition - I am peerless. I often have to avoid speaking in a "foreign language" when talking to mortal fools (such as you). I love making people angry by picking on their English and using high-falutin language and bombastic words (This does not compare to a certain Alexander, however). Maybe this is due to my being English Rep for 5 years straight. Sadly, due to the quirks of fate, I only got an A2 for my O level English - surely a freak result.
A particularly nonsensical piece of drivel from the THE Catholic High (sic) days is this : "[Let's pick Tim for the speech competition] You pick me? I pick my nose." Alexander was stunned. Whatever possessed me, the King (of Games), to utter such a non-sequiter? Of course, I maintain that this was a sheer stroke of brilliance, demonstrating my ability to suan people on the spot. In NJC, I retain this ability - I once called someone a cockroach in a 'talk rot' competition.
There were 3 cliques in my Secondary 4 class. One was the corny jokes clique. They loved corny jokes and were hated by everybody else. Another was the act-cool and standoffish clique, who didn't even laugh at good jokes. The last was everyone else, I.E. those who paid homage to me. I was the head of this clique (naturally) and I led my class in subversive activities and consequently, was called Orange Timothy by my History, Maths and Literature teacher. Maybe this was because I call my History teacher by her full name, and gave her a 1.25 Litre bottle of a soft drink that sounds like her name (Sarsi) as a Teacher's Day present. In honour of that chapter of my life, I had an email address - firstname.lastname@example.org, but I never use it anymore.
I liked to repeat the Physics Teacher's mistakes in front of her and the class, and imitate my PE and History teachers, to the merriment of everyone. In fact, the Physics Teacher told me that I would get beaten up one day (incidentally, she is my favourite teacher as she presented the most opportunities for us to make fun of her, especially since she teaches a most droll subject. Her Final Fantasy special ability is to cast confusion and sleep.). Now, whenever I laugh, I am forced to either look down or look up, to alleviate the necessity of me keeping watch for files on a collision course with my head. My pride led to me being disliked by many in my class, but I led people to think that I only PRETEND to be arrogant, so that I could trick them in the future when they underestimated me. One of our PE teachers was called (M.) Rameshon, but we called him Rama XII because we were learning Thai history, and the kings were all named Rama. (In addition, he pronounces twelve as tchwef). We were mean, and we took advantage of the fact that he was a vegetarian (though later he revealed that he isn't vegetarian but just prefers to eat vegetarian food) to poke fun at him. When someone asked what had happened to all the grass in the field, which had disappeared, someone said that Rameshon ate it because he was a vegetarian. We also asked our history teacher why, if he was a vegetarian, he wore leather shoes. She was dumbfounded. However, his most zany antic was persuading the school admin to let him play Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" over the school's PA system, because he thought it was an inspiring song.
After that, I went to National Junior College (where people still stole mouse balls and fruit). I took Physics, Chemistry, Maths C and F Maths - the nerd combination! To make matters worse, for my S Papers, I did Physics and Maths, making it the ultra-nerdy combination. Why did I choose to do this? (apparently, I didn't get to meet girls, but since I'm a misogynist [see below], that didn't matter) I explain my choice thus : I took Chemistry because it is fun. I took Physics because it is more or less required for Chemistry. I took F Maths for the same reason - I deem it fun. Ain't I arrogant? (Note: Ain't is correct as it stands for "Am I Not") I took my subjects because they are FUN! No wonder I am disliked by many. However, I disgraced myself, the professed lover of maths, forever when, for my A levels, I got 3 As, with my B in F Maths and a M for Maths S. At the start of the J2 year, I took Chemistry and Maths 'S' Papers, leading me to be labelled (justly) mad. Us arrogant F Maths students loved to skip Maths 'S' classes and even if we went, we started yawning, so as to demoralise all the puny Single Maths (bah) students. My class was 00S3E (S10) and during Physics practicals, I benevolently bestowed boons of equipment such as curved rules, long rulers, plastic rulers and such, so that my subjects benefitted. In 2000, we had the benefit of the wisdom of 5 (no less) Chemistry Tutors.
One might ask why I went to National Junior College, the only school where the school band plays the National Anthem and College Anthem in the mornings (in the process improving their skills and their muscle power - from lugging the instruments). After all, I *am* a genius (see below). The fact is, I dearly loved National Junior College (besides which, it is near my throne of power) Just before the JAE (Joint Admissions Exercise), I said, "Even if i get 2 points, i will stay in NJ". The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine pointed out, rightly so, that I could only have gotten 2 points if I had chosen NJC as my first choice or if I had chosen the affiliate school of THE Catholic High, Catholic Junior College, which isn't in the top 5 ranking. My lack of Catholic School spirit is deplorable, as is my waste of precious resources (the 2 point affiliation bonus). Since going to NJC, I became somewhat of a Poser (according to The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine) as I took to wearing black shoes.
One of my previous GP tutors commented that she was dumb in choosing to become a GP teacher, lamenting that PE teachers order students to run and get paid the same. On further contemplation, I mused that F Maths scripts have the shortest marking time, as the answers are invariably wrong. I am fond of litotes (one time, I was misunderstood by my teacher when I wrote, "this could cause some problems", to which she wrote at the side, 'understatement of the century'). I profess to dislike pleonasms, but I tend to regard much expression as plenonastic when it is not.
Even in NJC, I was reviled. On my birthday, I got a card from someone who accused me of continually making fun of her gullibility. I made fun of the Hong Kong guy in my class, and he chased with a metre rule around the physics lab. He hit me, and I fell onto the floor, while bystanders cheered at my demise. Once, my classmates started touching me. When I admonished them, one person declaimed, "What's wrong with touching you". And they continued molesting the sacred person. The most daring of the lot was someone who pulled my sleeve. Once, she walked a round around the garden and kicked me.
As in the THE Catholic High School, there were cliques in my class. One was the "si hui dang", so called as it was comprised of 4 people, all with "hui" in their names. Another was the "mad" clique, with 3 smart people, 2/3 of them from China. The leader was a self proclaimed "mad" man, and the other two were his understudies. In my class, we unofficially declared Thursday as "Crappy Remarks Day", while Friday was "Snide Remarks Day".
In the THE Catholic High School, I was in the choir, singing Bass 2. I shouted a lot at my fellow choristers, and that made me unpopular. The Colours Award (Whoa!) I got more than made up for the growing pile of malcontents. The teacher in charge was this person we nicknamed the Panda (or alternatively, "Drug Addict" and "Penguin"). This atypical nickname comes from the fact that he has dark circles under his eyes, like a Panda. For Teacher's Day, I got him a packet of "Hello Panda" biscuits. See how mean I am? I used this strategy to good effect another time, when I was late for choir. I bought a packet of "Hello Panda" and offered it to The Panda when I swaggered in. He was non-plussed, and forgot the fact that I was late. At times, when his anger was stoked, he used to play threatening-sounding tunes on the piano. Everyone would then cower in fear as the lightning bolts shot from his eyes. With my departure, they have acquired a choir room (thanks to anonymous donations from Yours Truly's secret Swiss Bank Account). And they spelled my name wrongly on my Colours Award certificate.
I was a Tenor 2 in the National Junior College Choir. I liked to dispute that and claim that I was actually a Bass 2, but the conductor (TBS) would not stand up to any of my nonsense. When I asked Nelson for advice on singing high notes, he asked me to tie my balls tightly, what a pervert! One of the many useful things that he taught me was how to "throw my claps". With this patented clap throwing technique, I can hush an entire hall in seconds. As my farewell gift to him, I dropped his file 3 times the day before the NJC choir concert.
My affair with music took a turn after I left the NJ choir in Mid-2000 (changing my ECA to 'updating my homepage'). Shying from the realm of Choral Music, I started to dabble with Classical Music, with a bent towards the Piano. At first, I went about downloading many MIDI files, but when I lusted for better quality, I hoodwinked my brother into getting me cable and now have just under 3GB of MP3s on my hard drive(s). Being picky, I download many mp3s and delete the lousy ones. Spending half of my chicken pie money, I financed half of the piano that now blocks my hallway and is an excellent hiding place for runaway crabs. At first, I was obsessed with Chopin and Liszt. I only listened to two pieces - La Campanella and Gnomenreigen. When my friend Melvin Tay (who wrote me in as a tailor in his erstwhile hobby of writing erotic epics, and who has higher-than-diploma-qualifications in Music and is taking the FRSM soon) found out about my new hobby, he composed a song, which he entitled "Timothy's Birthday Bash", allegedly for my birthday, but which was revealed to me in late May. It was intended to mock me, but I can now play much of it. I played it so much that my father managed to whistle along. Hear it here - Timothy's Birthday Bash : Parade of the Orange Timothies (MIDI - 35KB). However, I spend my time playing scales instead of proper music or other exercises, so I've not progressed beyond Grade 1. My playing is lousy, so when I play wrongly (and bang too many keys at the same time), I claim that I'm imitating Nelson (who allegedly has pudgy fingers).
I've not totally dumped my Choral heritage, though. At one point I was enjoying Thomas Tallis' "In Spem Alium", a 40 part vocal work which a prominent conductor proclaimed "very easy" because of the "repeating parts". While searching for "Gloria" by (Antonio) Lotti, I found "Gloria in Excelsis Deo", a French cover version of "Angels We Have Heard On High" by Helmut Lotti (who sounds very arrogant). He reminds me of TBS, especially with the way he speaks French, and he sounds very arrogant. He survives by rolling out cheap Latin American ballads and Popular Choral pieces like the above, and the audiences always clap when he appears. I've timed my clapping to coincide with the audiences' in the MP3s I've gotten.
Right now, I am in National Service doing exercises until I cannot move.
I am a Musical Snob. I do not listen to the more well known classical works as I consider tham plebian and beneath me. In my free time, I am fond of making fun of CDs with titles like: "The Most Relaxing Classical Album In The World.... Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!", making fun of the exclamation marks. I only listen to all the weird composers, which 90% of the people in the world haven't heard before (actually, this doesn't say very much, as even great names like Ravel, Prokofiev, Rachmaninoff and Mendelssohn are unknown to all those teeny-boppers) I am proud to declare that I have only ONE piece by Mozart on my computer. I like difficult pieces for their difficulty, and I listen to them and then get a headache - my favourite composers are people the likes of Godowski and Lutoslawsky.
At different points of time, I have been obsessed with different pieces. I claim that 'the piano is my chosen instrument' and so disdain orchestral, chamber, choral and acapella music as I can't appreciate non-piano music, and especially disdain the Harpsichord. I eschew Baroque music for Romantic or pretentious modern music. Some pieces I like:
La Campanella (bastardised for the piano, my 'chosen' instrument - I don't like the smooth and refined sound of the violin), Gnomenreigen, Un Sospiro (which sends me into thralls of orgasmic ecstasy), anything that sounds bad/weird (for the snob value), Bach's Italian Concerto on the Piano (I can't stand the Harpsichord version, claiming that it is messy when it is exuberant).
I ripped some songs from the TBS get lost party CD (which was the given reason as to why I have stopped sharing my 3GB of mp3s with the world) and his renditions of classic opera are the only opera pieces I care to listen to. He applies his operatic technique (which involves singing in the typical opera voice, as if he is speaking French) to all the songs on the CD, which murders The Music Is Always There With You (so the The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine claims) Unfortunately, playing his songs make my computer crash (draw your own conclusions).
I was an altar boy at Blessed Sacrament Church, and went there 3 times or more a week when I was living there. Why did I take this position? If you really want to know, go see the Secret Page!!! [While there, you can also find the value of the enormous weight of Nelson Kwei - a famous conductor, read a limerick AND a poem about me and get a detailed explanation of why I am Tim The GREAT.] Now that I have moved, it takes much longer to reach there, but I still go there at least once a week, even during examination season. While there, I go around pissing people off by saying things that further my reputation as an arrogant idiot.
I am a misogynist. Yes. You wouldn't expect an evil genius like me to be without any character defect, would you (actually, my eyesight is a paltry 450-450, but that is but a bagatelle)? I dislike the female gender for many reasons. One is their high voices. I (secretly) envy them that, as I remember what it was like singing Soprano for a few brief months in Secondary One, and alto (yeech) for a while after. Another is their beauty. As you can see from my pictures page, I am very ugly and so, when I take over the world, I will kill all the pretty and handsome people. Thirdly, many women use sex to gain power. I find that immoral and am obsessed with that theme (I do have some principles, though I am depraved in other ways) and more importantly, I can't do it myself! On the bus, I always see the schoolgirls manipulating the schoolboys (Ed: It might be called friendly bantering), and my omnipotence lets me transcend human emotion and see objectively what is happening. In my opinion, philanderers are actually the ones being controlled. Of course, my dislike for the "fairer (hah) sex" has nothing to do with my inability to get a girlfriend. Turning my coloured lenses towards school, I have observed that The Biology Olympiad is made up of mostly girls, and the Maths, Chemistry and Physics olympiads are composed almost solely of guys.
My boundless virtue is marred by few things. I dare not state so many here in Black and White, lest I blemish my image, but I allude to them in the rest of my Cyber Throne Of Power. One of the few blemishes upon my otherwise flawless record is my use of the "f" word. Of course, I claim that I, as a good Christian, do not use the "f" word, but sadly, I have uttered it 6 times so far (The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine kindly keeps track for me), in anger, no less. I even used to have a WAV file glorifying the word. Conveniently, I have found that The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine has a copy here. If the times when I used it in jest or accidentally were counted, and if I were given a penny for each utterance, how rich would I be now? Another flaw is that I have no imagination - my nicknames and usernames are all staid - my ICQ nick is 'njytim' and 'timngsgp1' was my Napster username. Finally, my insular upbringing and having to constantly guard myself against the molestation of the Sacred Person and/or the theft of his Chicken Pies has led me to be extremely suspicious and cynical - I tried to get The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine to remove his birthday from his ICQ info (as I have mine) to test all his "friends" (hah!). Luckily, he is not as jaded and cynical as I am, and is not deeply insecure and even (dare I say) misanthropic.
As might be expected, I have many hobbies. Here are some of them for you to learn and be enlightened:
I loved to play WAV files to irritate my friends. In halcyon days, I had a directory of WAV files of Japanese people shouting and screaming things in Japanese I didn't (and still don't) understand. With this and a separate collection of useless WAVs such as, "You're in big trouble old pal, I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" (from Happy Gilmore), I whiled the days away. At one time, I had a WAV file of clapping on my desktop, which I described as "very useful"
My passion for WAVs was so fervent that in tribute to my WAVmania, The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine joked that I had a WAV file of a clap which I played whenever I wanted to show my disdain (though I actually produced the claps myself with my sacrosanct appendages). Being a savant myself (as always), I didn't believe that a sciolist such as he could actually mean that as a joke, and to this day, I cast doubt on whether he really knew whether it was me doing the clapping.
Not enough for you? Go read the rest of the page to find more.
As many of you all know, Reader's Digest holds an annual lottery. During one one year period, I got a year's supply of flyers, stickers, letters, scratch-and wins, keys, transparent windows and books that are the first in the series.
I supposedly got a chance to won a car with the license plate SGP 3838.
My friends in the THE Catholic High School school waited eagerly for the time of the fortnight that I got letters from the company. They stuck the stickers everywhere, on the teachers' chair, on friends and on the Overhead Projector, ie everywhere. One friend pasted the option 1 sticker on his mouth, option 2 on the front of his pants and option 3 on his posterior.
Being yet young and foolish, I actually bought a Reader's Digest book about English. For a few months, I went around irritating people by persistently using examples in the book and laughing about them. A favourite was : "We was robbed". My obsession with the book rivalved The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine's obsession with Quotes. I often quoted the obfuscating nursery rhyme:
Coruscate. Scintillate. Asteroid.
Your constitution exercises my cognition.
and kept telling it to others to irritate them.
Another of the book's salient points that I was fond of bombarding all who would listen (very few, unfortunately) was of the difference between "enormousness" and "enormity". Adopting the words of the author(s), and pretending to be worried over the deterioration of the English language, I lamented that many people use "enormity" when they mean "enormousness", even though the two words do not mean the same thing. I repeated my concerns often enough that some were tricked into believing that I was the one who had come up with this example of misused words, and but for the efforts of The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine, I might have succeeded in my attempt.
I also learnt how to ask difficult questions from there. For example, "Are you still beating your wife?". Whether someone answered "yes" or "no", he would still be in a difficult situation. The correct response to the question would be, "I have never beaten my wife". Only someone as wise as me would be able to answer that!
To reward you for paying homage to me, here are some favourite parts of the book:
"We stand on the brink of the abyss, let us march together"
"We was robbed"
As you can see, much of my supposed English ability was drawn from the book, and I had to rely on its contents to further my plans to irritate people with the power of linguistics.
Page 2 of my homepage, where you can find out more about:
- Tim the GREAT
- The King of Games (KOG)
- Tim the Arrogant
- Tim the Dirty
- Tim the Stupid
- Tim the Meddlesome
- Tim the Patient
- Tim the Selfish
- Tim the Stout
- Tim the Sadist
- Tim the Generous
And Page 4, where you can find wisdom dispensed by me.
Want to see pictures of me?
Note: All the votes for "No" were made by me (I try to manipulate the results of my own poll. Ha!
Special thanks to : The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine
You can e-mail me (yes, even hatemail) at email@example.com. Please put "For Tim" as the subject or letters/homage mail will not be entertained. Both my secretaries will personally reply to you.
You might notice some errors in this page, but I am very smart, so all errors are actually due to some bytes being corrupted in the upload, or someone hacking in to taint the perfectness of page (the scum!). Do tell me (via The Person On Whose Page I Host Mine's opinion form) of all errors so that I may expeditiously remove them at once.
Evidence of the success of the page:
Someone has used this page to pick on me before, scrutinising every sentence like a Literature text.
This page used to be hosted at http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Lakes/2857/.
Sorry to disappoint all of you, but Timothy did not write this. It was written by me (Gabriel Seah)