- Practically, you will shed blood and tears here.
- Make sure your song is loud and clean.
- [On good buttocks being a sign that a woman is good for child bearing] Like me, I don't have... Have ah? Why are you all so... nevermind.
- vena cover (cava)
- [On SMM] There's no way you're going to get out of this place, unless you kill yourself.
- The standing order here is, you all cannot IV an instructor.
- By the end of the course, last 3, 4 weeks, some of you will be volunterring to shoot 3, 4 times. (be shot)
- peri'stee'sis (peristalsis)
- The human body is very amazing. You find that, a piece of meat, you eat it, it comes out a different form, a different shape, a different smell.
- anal kernel (canal)
- It's very traumatising to insert an airway guerdal in a conscious patient. He will remember you for life.
- Don't think that, the tests here you will surely pass, just like all the other tests in the SAF (you will surely pass all the tests here)
- [On what to do during the Rapid Body Survey if it's a female] Ahh, don't keep on thinking about females
- Everytime you [say] 'Yes Sergeant', like want to fight... Very irritating you know.
- This is the so-called WOW. [Trainees: Wow!] Corny lah, I hear that every batch.
- [You want to bring in an] icebox? For what? You think [this is a] chalet ah?
- [On the 'Sharp Sharp'] The brand is made by Sharp, if I'm not wrong (is)
- blunt object - like your baseball baton (bat)
- This book, 'Human Body in Health and Disease'. Don't just turn to the reproductive system... There are not many pictures there.
- [On us massaging each other after 3 long lectures in 3 hours] 'Ahh!', mass orgy, ah, 'Ahh!'
- [On priapism] This only occurs in male patients... When he has a spinal injury. So don't think that he's trying to be funny with you.
- Go back to bunk and tactically use your handphone.
- Why, today, all very excited? IV?
- [On IV] Remember to put off your handphones before you start. [Trainee: Sergeant, no handphone] Don't bluff. (turn)
- [On IV] Because of this, you want to AWOL?
- [At 9:55am] Section 8, go for a 20 minute break. Come back at 10:45. How long is your break? [Trainees: 20 minutes]
- [On the double decker beds] Please, those who sleep on top, don't fall off the bed
- You know, you like unit man already. Everytime, [you want to go to the] 'bunk'. (you're like a)
- [On people carrying bedsheets] These are from the boyband called "Bedsheet Boys"
- Your POP... 24km route march, full battle order, stretcher and MOP... No lah.
- Then we go into the path'toe'physiology (pathophysiology)
- Saturday lunch is usually very nice one (nice)
- [During Stand By Bed] This glove. For what? Sell chicken rice?
- This one, called the stir up (is called, stirrup)
- [Trainee while marching: Good afternoon Sir] Good afternoon, carry on, enjoy yourselves.
- [On people bending over] All the colours of boys' underwear... Trying to seduce Sergeant ****** here
- If after sunning [the mattresses], still got bedbugs, I will recommend stay out for all of you... Recommend only (there still are)
- Hope that you have Hep B. Serious. Then you're excused IV, that means you can poke your buddy, [but] your buddy cannot poke you... Get AIDS. You cannot poke your buddy, your buddy cannot poke you.
- [To me during Hep B screening] Fuck, how [do] you take IV? Next time [during] IV lessons [they] must tie you to a stretcher.
- [On specifics in bandaging of wounds] In your course, you must know this. In real life, I tell you, nobody cares.
- Next is the clavicle. You know where's the clavicle? It's this bone here. All the girls have this, very sexy.
- [Handphone rings] Na beh, all these girls. [Trainees protest] It's a guy lah, 'Desmond'.
- Navy, don't have. They don't cater Muslim food.
- [On people in Units] They bastard you, they see the catheter, they [will be] scared already. You just whack one time... sadistic ah. (If they treat you badly, once)
- Don't go and take the rectal thermometer and put it in the mouth.
- [On his drawing of a heart] Testicle, what? Take out yours and put it up here.
- [On dinner] Stayout personnel, if you all are not eating, make a motion of going down and coming back up.
- Last batch, we had no female trainees, but the Miss CMC. Wah.
- In Singapore, you know why? All these people, they study too much already. You punish them too much, they write letter to minister to complain, then you're in trouble. (study, If you, they will, letters to the)
- How is it work? (does)
- next we will go to the sensory of the organs (organs)
- You just blink the eye. It will produce the, tear glands (tears)
- nose ho'low (hollow)
- deadly microbites (microbes)
- pro'petty name (proprietary)
- same brand names becomes household names (some, become)
- [On a war] The regulars are behind. When all of you die, then we come out. (Only when, will)
- [On a war] When the enemy invades, you're going to go, 'I'm [PES] C9, please do not shoot me.
- hate'stroke patients (heatstroke)
- gars, on guard! (guards)
- [On starting IVs with a 20g needle] No, we just want you to get comfortable. [Trainee: Then next time start with 100 {gauge}]... Poke mosquito.
- To remember all this, I always use pneumonics (mnemonics)
- ensure that the rout is correct (route)
- swinging the barang (parang)
- [On Chris' drill commands, issued in a professional-sounding tone] Eh, this is not National Day Parade lah
- Sergeant Jim (Jean)
- history of heart diziz (disease)
- [To someone entering the lecture] Yes? Which planet are you from?... By the way, don't call me 'Sergeant Major' ever again. [Call me 'Staff']... You'll remind me of my time in infantry and I'll get upset.
- Who here smokes?... Roy, you don't smoke meh?... The face tells it all.
- Not only you have fracture you give COPD, pain also you give COPD. (You don't only give Entonox when you've a fracture, you give it when there's pain)
- [On Entonox] If the guy is a laughing stock, he will laugh non-stop. (laughs easily)
- [On SMM] This school, they charge people very easily. Come up with all the excuses to charge people one. (charges, They come, people)
- [On the contraband inspection] But I'm very impressed with [you know] what? [Mimes handphone]... [Claps from trainees] Serious... Nobody from my platoon got caught?... At least I train, thinking soldier, not idiots (soldiers)
- [On many people not bringing their water bottles for Last Parade] Nevermind, later go down and drink 2 cups of Milo.
- rythmn (rhythm) (written)
- [On the drinks vendor] Even Alan, everytime I see him, complain... 'Why never let them come for canteen break?' [He] Call up CSI. Don't know where he get the number from. (he complains, called, got)
- [On the cookhouse's small portions] [If] They want to be so niao, I [will] go and put a weighing scale there.
- [On the cookhouse's high receptivity ratings, in the high 90s] I don't know why leh, I also put poor... I always put poor one (poor)
- [Making fun of someone's pronunciation] Bedflame? You make a fire, then got bedflame already. (you've got a )
- Let me test on you (you)
- pancrease (pancreas)
- stimulate, stimulate (simulate)
- I want you to have a clear doubt about the protocols (idea of)
- tay'blert (tablet)
- break'ferst (breakfast)
- After lights off, don't use your handphones. I say again, don't use your handphones. Especially those cockenadens with the flashing antennas.
- [On me] Don't be like a wolverine [and eat all his food]... You think he what, refrigerator ah? (What do you think he is, a)
- [Greeting a Second Sergeant] Good evening Sir... Good evening Staff... Good evening Sergeant. [Sergeant: Call me Mister. Good morning mister.] Good evening Mister. [Sergeant: Good evening, carry on.] [Other sergeant: ORD personnel]
- [On sports medicine and the Bruneians] You see, now they are starting to catch mosquito, very boring. (mosquitoes, the lesson's)
- Like acupuncture, you use the needle to poke the nerves (pressure points)
- [On playing with a lighter] Roy, what are you doing? Before we move, [you] try to burn the camp down.
- It's better to have a rifle than not to have a rifle. Otherwise you look so cock standing by the side of the road doing this. [Mimes pointing rifle]
- Combat rations is nice to eat one. I like to eat combat rations... [But the] Course Commander force me to eat fresh rations. (are, eat, will force)
- What is the first [method of disease] prevention?... Wear clean clothes everyday. How many days you wear your uniform already?... Just now in the company audit I almost fainted. I don't know how the 2 ladies can stand it. (have you worn)
- Other than certain people, I'm sure our Bruneian friends bathed before the lecture. [Trainee: Standing order{s say we cannot bathe during office hours}]... When I was a trainee you know how many times a day I bathe? (?, bathed)
- The medic is always very well liked, because if he earns the trust of the PC, if he earns the trust of the sect com, then he has the authority to say, this soldier is not feeling well [and should not train]
- [On behaviour modification] It's up to you to encourage them not to smoke. And not to get non-smokers to smoke.
- [On our reluctance to hang clothes on the lines] Monkey will not steal your clothes lah (The monkey)
- [On rubella] For most of us, we are immune with this (to)
- [On TB jabs] Which is why, when you go overseas, you wear sleeveless T-shirts, one look they will know you are from Singapore (with one)
- [On fake sore eyes, pretended conjunctivitis, faked by rubbing soapy water into the eyes] Some cases, they will isolate you in the sick bay, until you recover, then they send you back. These are for the cases like fake sore eyes. They go and IV you, let the medic practice his IV. IV won't kill you one, just don't flush.
- You will have great uncomfort (discomfort)
- now here to hide (nowhere)
- Are you causing him more harm than cure? (good)
- colour blindedness (blindness)
- I don't possess any of this. L-U-S-T.
- [On there being no night snack and our desire to order pizza] 2353535. Add up, sign 26 extra... [Remembers to put a 6 in front] 32.
- Just in case, the moment you see thunder, you run (lightning)
- Anybody got excuse keat today, please show to the instructor now (If anybody has, an excuse chit, it to)
- [On the planned chalet] Gabriel, you drink or not? [Me: Ahh, no] You will learn. [Platoon mate: Gabriel, you smoke or not?] [Me: Ah? No!] [Platoon mate: You will learn]
- When I say neat rows, I meant it ah (mean)
- rewife, rescue a person (revive)
- your tro'car area (trachea)
- Let me briefly explain to you their roes ah (roles)
- So you can see there's multi-purpose of KY jelly (there're many uses for)
- oh so fey gers (Pronunciation: Hard 'G' for 'gers') (Oesophagus)
- Cebua is another kind of transportating casualties (way, transporting)
- handle bard buckle (parker)
- [On physical punishment] Excused ah?... Cannot do exercise. Later, do area cleaning for 1 hour.
- haemorrhage and oedema of ahermherm tissue (pharngeal)
- Quietly, arrange your things and get lost from this training shed. Go to canteen and hide. (to the)
- The daughter need to push, do the all round defence (doctor needs, to do)
- Heimlich wow've (valve)
- [On the new permstaff] How often do you get to fuck a woman in Number 4? Tell me how often... In your lifetime. Zero right? (...)
- A very good afternoon, gentlemen. [Trainees: Good afternoon Master] It's 'Good Morning'. I wanted to see how blur you all are. Indeed you all are very blur.
- [On a rainy day, in the training shed] Okay, no questions? Then just sit here and enjoy the rain.
- lightning and sterilisation box (lighting)
- You'll go through us for field camp (with)
- [Medical Officer on Quarantine] Don't you find it very enjoyable here? [Me: A bit lonely, better than field camp though] Yeah, I'd agree.
- [Medical Officer on Quarantine] Good life. Whole day, lie there, read book. I haven't had a day like that in many many years. [Me: Get sore eyes lah] You know what they'll do if I get sore eyes? They'll make me carry on working. [Medic: Wear sunglasses]
- [Medic on Maju Camp] All the medics here are quite plump
- For many, this brings bad memories of the past 11 weeks (back)

--- Assorted NS People (SMM)

 

- Stupid. Medic school no medical centre. (has no)
- [On the theory tests for the course] Past year papers got or not?
- My helmet makes me look like a chipmunk.
- [Me on our bunk: Why are there grilles on the windows?] It's to make this place look like a prison, understand?
- [To me] Has anyone called you Harry Potter because of that scar?
- [On adequate rest during Guard Duty] By right, like that. But everytime, by left...
- [On SAF tests] They teach you a lot, but they test you little. It's just for show.
- [On my not eating chilli] No wonder you always go back to bunk and eat biscuits.. That's why you sleep so much (slept so much during BMT)
- [Me: I swear, 75% of Muslim males have 'Mohammad' in their names] I think it's more.
- You know what the IV [needle] is good for? Poking pimples.
- We come here learn medic skill, not medic song (to learn, skills, not a)
- [To me] You're very comical as an i/c, although you don't know that
- pon'chio (poncho)
- Why [did] you sign on? [Commando: I love my country.] You love the pay, don't bullshit.
- [On me] Do all RJ people give that stupid smile?... Because both you and Teo Shiyi give that stupid smile.
- [To someone] Fuck you, don't talk to me about SISPEC. I hate that place.
- Everyday, the breakfast lunch and dinner here, cannot make it.
- Is it really that nice to smoke? Why does everyone like to smoke?
- [To Steve] Everyday, see you, never bathe... Jee bye, come back bunk, put some powder then sleep. You think field camp ah? (I never see you bathing, you come back to the, and then, this is field)
- [On Hep B screening by TSS] That's the guy. It's this guy, fucking hell. That's the fucker who missed my vein.
- [On Hep B screening by TSS] They poke, draw blood. Three quarters full. Then, no blood... 'Sorry ah, sorry ah.' Then the other guy, 'Don't worry, it's not our blood.' (poked and drew, Till it was three, there was no more blood, guy said)
- [On Hep B screening by TSS] We should bring [our] MOP here and shoot IOV here. Shoot on them. (MOPs)
- [On not minding IVing someone, but not liking being IVed himself] It's like when you rape someone, you feel shiok, but when you kenna raped, you don't feel shiok.
- only bathe when you wanna go shower (sleep)
- But Gabriel, seriously, I've never seen you with a hard on... It makes you wonder. [Goes on to make some comment about when I had wet underwear on and he couldn't see any outline]
- [On my polar bear] Gabriel, you gay ah?
- I didn't know Nanyang Girls' School looks so nice, sia... Look at the clock. [Me: You're referring to the building right.] The building, not the girls - forget it.
- [On a blood donation drive] I donate sperm.
- commending officer (commanding)
- fire brigade (picket)
- Why do you think the girls join army? [They're] Hopeless, can't find jobs outside
- [On my handphone] Just bring it in lah
- Gabriel, I think you need to wear [a] bra already.
- [On my scribbling] Later [when you] ORD, you [can] go and write a comic. Confirmed funny one. (It'll definitely be funny)
- Army, no need to be so garang one... I've learnt the art of slacking. See, now I also don't tie my boot lace already. (In the Army, you don't, I don't, laces anymore)
- [On my attempt at Mozart's Lacrymosa] Gabriel, you've such a sweet voice.
- [Khairuldin sings:] Tomorrow is my bookout day, loolah, loolah. Tomorrow is my bookout day, loolah loolah lay. [Someone else sings: No more Khairuldin!]
- [On how to avoid getting my food stolen] All you need to do is bring a big bag of groceries and put pork in the centre.
- [On an instructor cursing] Use vulgar language. No more ISO already.
- [On someone who was very bitter] I think he doesn't have a girlfriend. I think he can't get into the U, that's why he's so disappointed.
- [On our rushed course] CMCC - Combat Medic Crash Course
- [On 2 RJ girls we saw outside SMM] Judging by the tits, not more than 12 years old.
- [On my proclivity to bring in Marks and Spencer food] Your mother works at Marks and Spencer ah? Or your father owns the shop?
- I want to get an M16. How much does it cost at the E-mart?
- [Zhang on me talking to Kumar, Vasu and Sargunan] Why are you intruding into this black gathering?
- Government fucked up, sergeant. That's why we're in [the] SAF (The government is fucked)
- [Malay after eating Mee Goreng] Do you know what would be good now? A beer. [Me: I thought beer's Haram.] You know what is Haram? Haram is raping women. [Me: Then how about pork? Is eating pork Haram?] That's up to the individual, when you die, you answer to God. [Me: So same thing with beer.]
- [On Islam] Fucked up, stupid religion.
- [On how to safeguard their food if they bring any in] I take a blue pen, I write, extra ingredient: pork. [Other: I put a sticker on everything. 'Babbi' {Malay for pig}]. (will take, and I will, will put)
- [On me] You sit like a girl, you know
- [On my anger at 16g scars] You're not going to be a model right... Don't worry, they can hide it, digital imagery... Photoshop.
- [Mock command] Platoon, suka suka [Anyhow, cf normal use of 'cepat' - quickly] jalan [walk]
- [Muslim on the tudung issue] Next time I start my own religion. Go to school wear underwear. (I'll, They'll go, wearing)
- Folly (Folie)
- [On Steven being Shee-man] I thought it's he-man not she-man
- [On the 4th Batman movie] The latest one was Batman and Friends right.
- Nothing beats magma, japanese cartoon. (manga - he means anime, cartoons)
- I think normal guys' hands are not big enough for her top... [Someone else: She's an E, she's an E. She's 32E]... It's natural... [Someone else: This is called saggy breasts] (???)
- Your earlobes. I love your earlobes, Gabriel.
- [On me] Not to say you, but you don't have the attitude to keng one
- Times Magazine (Time)
- [On Pioneer magazine] How come ah, I don't subscribe but I also have [it]? Damn it man, I don't want it.
- [To me referring to him and Kumar] I think you have a more active social life than us
- Indian Thaipusam. Vasu put all the IV... Put the 10g, then all the blood come out. (?)
- [On the cookhouse's cream soups] It's either cream of nothing or cream of water.
- [While marching] Jeebye, don't dig your boots. Drag your boots... That's the way I like it.
- [Khairul to me, coveting my food] What is buddies for? [Me: All you do is take my food and show me your cock.] (are)
- Who is a drummist here? (drummer)
- [On my 'snack' bag] Do you have a turkey in here?
- [On a cartoon of a pig's head stuck on the ice machine] Pig's head? Cannot... Ice not halal already (The ice is)
- [On TB and IV 16 gauge scars] This government has the habit of scarring its citizens, man
- Look at Zhang, wearing a poncho and talking on the handphone. He's trying to be Count Cuckoo (Star Wars II reference)
- What time is it? [Other platoon mate: Time to get a watch]
- [On CD inline video] This looks like the porn vids I used to watch when I was a kid
- His son also auditioned for the President's Scholarship (was interviewed)
- [On some porn film called 'Pussy Cartel'] [Me: Isn't porn haram?] I know porn is haram but I like it. I like to indulge in sin.
- My SOC timing is 7 minutes, I think. Just to clear the low wall.
- [Me on Tiger Beer: It tastes like shit.] Fuck you lah.
- [On the Course Commander believing he's a great orator] I think we're the unlucky ones. He went for some public speaking class...
- Sergeant, I want to become a lifeguard but I cannot swim
- the fun has just began (begun)
- I want to become a lifeguard, it's fucking lobo. First, it's eight to five. Second, you sit in the chair and sleep all day. Wait for the kids to come and swim. Thirdly, you get to play with the speedboat.
- (Montagut)
- fullpack (field pack)
- A man should be obsessed by sex (with)
- eye'ren (iron)
- All the gifted people have some problem
- [On me] You have a photogenic memory (photographic)
- [Me: What's so good about prostitutes?] I think you need to see a doctor.
- [On SMM] All the bugs here are mutated.
- [On Char Siew Chicken] 'Saviour my taste' (savor)
- Very funny - Gabriel. Every once in a while he will take out his notebook and write something down.
- [On kit replacement] You want [a] helmet, just go [to] HQ block and steal. There's a dummy of a medic with [a] helmet
- We went to Richard's funeral (grandmother's wake)
- [On both of us going to 42SAR] Just now I shook hands with you because I thought I'd never see you again... You better not become my buddy. Nevermind, you become my buddy good, got a lot of food to eat... If we go Australia I buy you another polar bear. (if you, it will be good because I will have, go to, will buy)

--- Platoon/Section Mates (SMM)

 

- [On SMM] This place, you look at the buildings. Looks like [a] mental hospital.
- [On our 10pm lights off timing] Primary school kids sleep later than us.
- [To me] Were you from RI?... Oh no, it's that Gabriel... How do you do IV now?

--- Company Mates (SMM)

 

- cradmeat sticks (crabmeat)
- Irish Stew
- Fish a la "Orly
- Corn O Brien
- Mutton Bombay
- Tasty Tientsin Cabbage
- Imported Celery With Carrot
- Chicken Chasseur
- Fish fillet ala Meuniere
- Vichy carrot
- Chicken Kleo
- Plian Rice (plain)

--- Signs seen in the SMM Cookhouse, home of imaginatively named cuisine