In Raffles Schools - Raffles Institution (1996-1999) and Raffles Junior College (2000-2001)

 

Before I was enslaved, I was in Raffles Junior College (which helps train students' reflexes by means of loose write-tops in Lecture Theatres which fall easily). The School (College... bah) has a purple uniform which is extremely helpful should students be caught in a gunfight / fencing match, or if the school should catch fire. (Read: Coarser than a gunnysack, fireproof and waterproof). This purple uniform irked me so much that, even under coercion by my form teacher, I never wore it, not really, but instead wore it over the old (normal) uniform for the first 2 days that we had to start wearing our RJ uniforms, and promptly pulled it off after assembly. Desiring to spread the gospel of normal clothing, I even had an anti-purple uniform campaign, which was one of the many things leading to my infamy.

I was in the class 2S05A, which witnessed incidents like Julian's shoe soles falling off and Clara's comb-shaver item, which thins your hair when you run it through. People also liked to borrow my (now defunct) Palm IIIc to play with, irking my GP teacher especially. My decision not to take F Maths (taking History instead) apparently upset Timothy as he scolded me as not having a love of Maths (like him?). RJC had interesting colours of chalk - pink, purple, lime and dark green among others, as well as a myriad of cults - the Evil Cult (RJ Chorale), the Diabolical Cult (Girls in Shirts - see Observations for elaboration), the Unnamed Cult (ex-RGS girls who don't roll up their sleeves), Flesh Parade (Dance Club) and Associate Flesh Parade (Cheerleading). It also owns the 'red house' (rather, the pink one) as a landmark guiding visitors and students to the correct bus stop if they deign to visit the school. In preparation for the move to Bishan, they called in a property agent on 13/1/01 to find a buyer. Contributors to my 2001 ORA collection card (aha! The sixth and last that I ever had to do! And maybe the one with the least money) included "N!ôrlãn", "Act Cute 2", "Killer", "Slutton Lee" (Michael's friend) and Japanese Game Characters. I had a macabre fascination with the Hard Boiled Eggs sold at Stall 2 (which early in RJ's history probably bought over Stall 1, though before the present tenants of Stall 2 came) early in J1, which pissed some people off. Perhaps the most recognised name was 'Yaodong'.

Previously, I was in Raffles Institution, brother school to Raffles Guys School (normally spelled by me as Raffles Gu... RGS), which ironically called ECAs "PAPs" (Pupil Activity Programme) (and which allowed me not to wear shorts instead of the uncomfortable 100% polyester long pants - the [Old] RJ long pants are only 55% polyester. The 45% cotton makes a big difference in comfort!). My brother-in-law alleged that the level of pomp and pretentiousness has gone up since his day, and I'd tend to agree, what with the teacher of RI history in Secondary One, the constant references to and attempted evocation of "The Rafflesian Spirit" and the "Junior Rafflesian Investiture Ceremony". Such oddities as "The Rafflesian Principle Of Honour" were also conjured up, to attempt to imbibe values into students. Perhaps the most ridiculous part of it was the termly Headmaster's Assemblies, where the staff would stride in in black robes to the tune of Meyerbeer's Coronation March from Le Prophete (The Prophet).

I hate(d) ties, so Mondays really sucked. Unlike Timothy, I am not a genius and took 9 subjects only. My bringing bananas to school (to eat, and often dunking them in Coke) caused Melvin Tay Poh Huat (resident class pervert) and others to comment. A lot. One rugby boy once asked for my pear and made a cryptic remark that "if we win today, it will be because of the Vitamin C from this pear" (or something). For some reason the showers stalls didn't have doors, which made me and a few other refuse to bathe during camps except in the staff toilet. Bushy moustache has installed doors now, which is one of the few unequivocally good things that he has done. In Lower Secondary, I singlehandedly (I think) decimated the millipede population in the school (at least around the Boarding Complex). Because of an infected BCG injection, I had a festering scar for the first part of 1996, and Jeremy liked to whack it. I used to sleep on the bus (855) on the way to school and back, and so was late sometimes, the worst of which was when I ended up at Yishun and was so late that the Prefects had disappeared from the gate and so I didn't get booked. On the way home, my oversleeping led me to be left on the bus once after the driver had clambered down. 2 to 3 times, when I was late and waiting for the 156 at the MacRitchie bus-stop, I was saved by Mr Ong who fetched me (and sometimes, 1-2 others) to school in his quaint Mercedes.

Monty's, the RI canteen food provider from 1996-1999, was disliked by most such that in 1999, the company providing food for the boarders, Revada's, was invited to set up a second canteen during recess time, and after Monty's lease expired, it was not renewed, to cries of jubilation from the school populace. Unfortunately, my batch didn't get to enjoy the new vendors' delights. Monty's did try, by sprucing up its look every year, but the food stayed the same unfortunately. I was one of the few people to talk to the Monty's canteen auntie, Mary, who was disliked by many for her tendency to scold people, and she called me "Professor" because she claimed I was very smart. Somehow, the 2001 Sec 1 GEPs started hearing tales of me and her, promulgated by unknown entities. Just a stone's throw away from RI was the Peck San Theng Columbarium, which had a zi char with good food where you could 'Eat With The Dead' - yet another alternative to Monty's. I went there quite a few times, and once was given a free container of mango pudding/jelly.

I was in the History and Strategic Affairs Society (what a *grand* name for an ECA) and the Audio-Visual Unit. I used to sing Soprano 2 in the RI school choir, and had since Secondary 1, in the days of Mr Wu Yi (sic - Wu Jie) with the baggy pants [which were unzipped one day], who made us sing many Chinese songs, many of which had been translated from English, German and Italian, and who had a penchant for telling stories in Chinese that few could understand as conductor until being bumped out by Nellie in 99. At least Wu Yi kept his smoking habit (which half of China shares) out of sight so as not to influence us young impressionable kids. Going for SYF, we could see all the schools which bedecked their choristers in waiter attire. I shocked the diners when in Secondary 3 I went to Paulaner Brauhaus for the Sunday Brunch and the stupid clown picked on me to go on stage, and I sang the first half of 'Ave Verum Corpus'. I was also in the Audio-Visual Club. TBS is evil.

For most of my time in the two institutions, I was in the FAT (Fit And Trim) club, better known to most as the TAF (Trim And Fit) Club, which I feel is a most warped name. Or maybe it's a subtle way of telling members they should be the opposite of FAT - TAF.

My senior said that I looked like I did in Sec 1, and Paul Wong, in J1, said my facial features are the same as in Pri 3. Hrm.

 

I had the great fortune to be in the craziest of the 4 GEP classes in my Lower Sec years (ugh, I'm so old), 1L'96 /2L'97. Most of the crazy things that happened can be attributed to the GEP mentality. Many of us used to play a calculator game which involved pressing the enter key as many times as possible in 2 minutes (and other weird calculator games, some of which invoved maligning ACS - ACS + BABE + FFFFDC52 = AIDS). Sanje once asked Mrs Koh Swee Ling ("I like men with long hair") if sex felt good (!), and her reply was "of course, or else people won't do it". The next year, he topped it by asking Evelyn Ng, the relief Geography teacher, if she was a virgin, whereupon she refused to answer. Joel also asked Mr Ong what a 'labia' was once. Christopher Lin dumped this dead cat which I'd brought in (antecedant to the dead Raven) down my back. In Secondary 2, some of my classmates, together with people from the neighbouring class (2K), played with the fire extinguishers in the school, and Tay Poh Huat hit me in the back with the blast once, leaving me no time even to scream. Mrs Koh once remarked that Yong Lin had a good complexion, but unfortunately for him, word was going around that eating, err, male bodily fluids was good for the complexion. When Yaoxian broke his leg, his crutches discovered many new uses, at least when they weren't being hidden in nooks and crannies around the school (including the water pipes). On his crutches, Yaoxian was faster than I was on the track (mostly). In 2001, they were used to get balloons from the ceiling of Suntec City after a 2L dinner. Sometimes matters were put to a vote, which was useless unfortunately, as people would always not vote. Pretending to fight was also common, though chases down school corridors often made it seem that the fighting was for real.

Kairen, En Leung and Jiaxiang once claimed that they lived in a cemetery in Choa Chu Kang, and that their door was a tombstone, and that they had a shit pit. The first is probably regretting it even now, as I used to speculate that their primary form of recreation was playing long jump over the shit pit, and the loser would fall in. He used to get really angry whenever I made even obscure references to "the shit pit" and would come and hit me. To remember some of the first few elements in the Periodic Table, we used a modified version of our Sec 2 Science teacher's memory aid - LIttle BluE Boy Can Not... Ovulate For Nuts [Neon]. This was Melvin Tay's idea. There was this period when people were obsessed with using rubber bands to shoot paper bullets, and some people even had an aluminium bullet (which supposedly hurt a hell of a lot)

Mr Ong Chiau Jin was one of my teachers, and he followed us almost everywhere - he taught our batch Science in Secondary 1 and Chemistry in Upper Secondary. In Secondary 1, he had a movie club of sorts, bringing his students to watch movies and using his GV card to get a $1 discount off ticket prices. This stopped after the GV card was discontinued. He brought, and probably still brings, a camera everywhere and takes lots of pictures. However, no one has ever seen the pictures that he takes, so we wonder. He's a very nice person, though he's often made fun of (and not just by my batch). And my Secondary 1 Geography teacher had very strong perfume.

Our PE teacher in lower Secondary, Kwan Hoi Soon [whom Melvin alleged had his address tattooed on his, erm, testicles], had this weird philosophy - run, and if you can't run fast enough, run some more. I used to 'run' so slowly that the 2Lers would slap me on my back and say "lap" whenever they lapped me, and if they slapped me especially hard, I'd chase them a while. Once, when he was bored, Chris actually wrote his own name on the track in chalk. Yang Yang (NOT my classmate - one year my junior) once sent out a survey on bicycle security (but I can't cycle!) in my name, because he was afraid if he put his name, no one would fill out the survey, but he liked to irritate and harass people, so he often was chided (and hit).

Going for Design, Art and Technology was always a perilous task, as Chong See Eng had all sorts of weird punishments, like colouring alternate squares on the drawing paper used for drawing isometric diagrams and sandpapering blocks of wood, and holding the arms high in the air (which was inflicted on me once). Even more dangerous was the year-long 'Operation Sook Ching 1997' where we were 'screened', in the guise of being taught music, by Mr Oura. Voting (and uncast votes) and fighting were commonplace, and stealing shoes (or other things) and playing rugby with them were almost as. In Secondary 2, Yong Chin stole my pencil box, so I screamed and activity in the whole of the Junior Block was brought to a halt. I believe that I was single-handedly responsible for the near-extinction of the millipedes in RI, especially around the Swimming Pool complex, but many of my classmates disapproved of this massacre. The GEP department tried to make us learn calligraphy under this chain smoker (who was smoking IN his calligraphy brochure - what a good influence on students) and Andrew Ong (unsuccessfully) tried to escape by coming in the first lesson and talking in Malay. Someone brought a kitten (or puppy) he'd picked up by the road (I think) to school once in a carton and it pissed in it (apparently girls love to bring their Hamsters/Rabbits to school. Bah).

Melvin once conned me by suggesting that I go up to some rugby people in front and saying "Hi" which I did (and got trapped in some hard grips for a while, presumably not only because of their nature but for asking after Melvin). This great Conman ("If he doesn't con you, you should be surprised" - Koh Swee Ling, 1L'96 Form Teacher) also got me to bring a log back to school from the grass outside, for the mushrooms growing on it (there were many red ants swarming in the log, but only he could see them from his end). But no one believed his tale of living in a One Room Flat and being fetched to school on a Trishaw (and brought into the school compound on his Uncle's Mercedes Benz, because Trishaws weren't allowed in). Pity. Irritated with his antics, I donned my old Taekwando (yes, I actually took it - once) groin guard 2-3 times, and whacked it, daring him to try something.

 

Many of the people in 2L'97 (11 out of 28 of them) went to my Secondary 3/4 class 3M'98/4M'99, which explains why it was so screwed up :). I suppose it was because we were a GEP class (we were supposed to have small classes but MOE cheated us and we had 28 in the class - only ~8 less than an average express class). Our Secondary 3 form teacher, Mr Krishnan was very nice and gave us Marks & Spencer mints during History tests! He also played music twice to illustrate lessons - once when he played Boney M's "Rasputin", Chris came waltzing in (since he didn't take History) and started dancing. When he injured his leg, we came up with the idea of One Legged Man merchandise, including action figures with a detachable prosthetic leg.

Yong Lin (who is mentioned in Timothy's Homepage) had a philosophy of "Ahimsa", which entailed hitting a person the person after he had hit him, and liked Real Time Strategy because it was 'hard to program'. Once, the PE teacher got more than he bargained for when he told us to run around the track holding hands (in reply to our question on what to do). Of course, we called his bluff. We also had this liking for using the word 'cunning', until Mr Chan forbade us to use it, whereupon we switched to 'tricky'. FSOH - False Sense Of Humour, was also popular, in response to corny jokes. In Sec 3, we gave our teachers very meaningful presents - a 'prosperous' cow for Ms Kuang Ser Yee the English teacher, a Toys-R-Us Giraffe for Mr Chan Ying Yin the A Maths teacher, a Bugs Bunny doll for Mr Kuang Liang Yong the Physics teacher, a gorilla for Mrs Low Mei Choo the Biology teacher, a monkey for Mr Pillay Krishnan our History (and form) teacher and Eeyore for Ms Ruby Tan the Geography teacher. Mull over the meanings yourself. We liked to eat in front of Timothy Ang, our sole class prefect, and hide his Black Shoes. The use of FSOH - False Sense Of Humour - was popular to respond to corny jokes. Jason Lau used to sit outside during Chinese lessons and once, when he was not practicing his "kung fu", he was seen trying to convert cats. The exclamation, "Well Done!" a la Mr Chan was often uttered. Daniel Chen, our favourite ruan3 qiu2 (Softball) player, used his groin cup as an "oxygen mask". Ugh. We also filmed a class video during Secondayr 4 that was supposed to be burnt onto a batch CD (along with a directory and photos). In it, I was desparate for funny and had a "10 cents per poke" sign. And then Chris came up with $50 notes in his wallet. Wonder where that project went.

Sometimes, I gave weird, though plausible, answers for Geography tests, which irked the Geography teacher to no end. For example, I suggested that a way to reduce the death toll during typhoons was for people to stay at home and lock their doors, an eminently reasonable suggestion if you think about it. Perhaps less acceptably, I wrote that building giant walls to absorb the power of typhoons, or detonating nuclear bombs in the middle of the typhoons could weaken them (well, you know these sub-continental countries have large nuclear arsenals - why not put them to good use?). My creativity was displayed also, at times, during History, which led to both teachers theorising I wrote such 'farnie' stuff either because I didn't know my facts, or liked writing (amusing) rubbish so much I just wrote it anyway ;)

In Sec 3 (or 2 - "i say sec 2 coz i simply remember it being associated with 2L a lot. ("which other class goes "3266354" ? )", but a simple majority of people asked said "3"), we were favoured with a visit from Sergeant Jeffery "3266354" Au, who came to talk to us about gangs, and the Iron Man with the Iron Hand who thought he could block the Iron Parang. And the 'stab in the heart... dead in the end'. The slides were a trifle gross, though. He also warned us we would have to Bathe Naked Together, and that we would "Lose 4 things: your money, your __, your __ and everything else" (one of the blanks should be "family" and the other, "life"). Just remember, if you're in trouble from gangs, give him a call at 3266354. (Thanks to Shawn and YL for extra contributions)

In Secondary 3, some of the Powers That Were thought it a good idea to send us to the Jamiyah Home for community service. It was rather smelly, but it did have a vending machine that dispensed 2 cans for the price of one if the buttons were pressed correctly. In mid-1998, the GEP batch was sent off for OBS (except for a few lucky ones). I unfortunately let myself be persuaded by my very nice form teacher to go. Everyone discovered the existence of the MIB - Men In Bra(s). While there, someone smeared too much deep heat on my back and I (allegedly) screamed for 2 minutes flat.

As a GEPer, I had to do a yearly Individualised Research Study (IRS). My Secondary 1 project was - "The Fall of the Roman Empire", for which I was supposed to read Gibbons. In Secondary 2, together with Sanje and Junxian, we joined the Innovation Programme and 'made' a [non-working] prototype of a motion-sensitive light switch. There was this CHIJ girl whose first project idea was a Menstrual Panty, but later changed to a luminous bus stop seat, mayhap because I asked, during the idea-sharing session, if she had ever heard of tampons [to which she weakly replied that the string sometimes got lost] (No one else dared to ask any questions prior to me as they were too busy murmuring or giggling). And in Secondary 3 I fulfilled a lifelong fantasy (well), and brewed alcoholic drinks at home. For the record, I'm a teetotaller, though.

I was one of the (many) crazy people who opted to do a 3rd Language (most of whom dropped out). In my one year at the MOE Language Centre, I learnt that Germans are obsessed with guitars and camping.

Dry statistics: Sec 3 Physics Teacher, Mi'er Kuang, liked to say "Ah" a lot. Over a 75min period, my classmates counted  his "Ahs" and found that he did a 7 hit "Ah" combo. A JC1 Physics Lecturer chalked a 6 hit "you know" combo over 80 minutes. She hit 171 "You Knows" once - allegedly doing more on a previous occasion. The one who takes the cake, however, is a Maths C lecturer. She did a 16 hit "okay" combo, and said "okay" 400 over times in 80 minutes, which works out to more than 5 a minute (I.E. 1 every 12 seconds)!